FLORENCE, ITALY – Disgraced former owner of infamous cryptocurrency exchange Bitgrail, Francesco Firano has unveiled new details today regarding his “crypto-supergroup”, confirming it will be comprised of Jed McCaleb (Mt.Gox Co-Founder), Brock Pierce, (Tether Co-Founder), and Carlos Matos (Bitconnect Spokesman). Each confirmed member has had considerable trouble finding relevant work in the crypto industry following their respective “oversights”, with hopes that the creation of the supergroup can catapult them back into the spotlight.
“We’re carving out a sort of superhero/boy-band dynamic with the creation of the team, of which I am obviously the bad-boy/Magneto archetype,” Firano asserted, citing that his sheer negligence towards Bitgrail makes him an objectively worse person than the rest of the team. “Next would be Jed, who I would say is definitely a heartthrob/Superman – although, Jed man haha – he likes to dream that he’s more of a Captain America… yeah… okay Jed, sure you are.” he chuckled, winking to ensure his sarcasm registered. “As for Brock… ah, that’s a hard one. Now, Brock is a real piece of shit guys – like I don’t know if you know this, but he’s a complete sociopath – and he spits. I mean he’ll fuckin’ spit on anything, just name it. A few weeks ago I was in line with him at the grocery store, and each time the cashier looked away he spit in that little change dispenser tray and kept doing that “jerk-off” motion at him. I may be the bad boy, but he’s the one that nobody fucking likes, so maybe he can be Nick Carter/Aquaman or something.”
As we’re sure you’re all wondering – what of Carlos, the famed “Bitconnect Guy”?
“Carlos would be the sensitive one, ” Firano explained. “Which I know may sound out of character given his flamboyant exterior, but did you know that he writes poetry? Well, he does – and it’s damn good. Hits you right there.” he said, looking down at his chest, fumbling his hands determine which side his heart should be on.
We further inquired about the nature of the ‘supergroup’, more specifically what product or service they’re actually intending to provide, and how they aim to gain the community trust given their track records.
“The community needs somebody they can count on, and in this market, I think they need us now more than ever. We’ve really been focusing on the infrastructure of the team. We’ll get around to the technology eventually, but at this point in time we can’t be distracted. We must approach this with a strong team foundation to ensure that we get it right this time.”
“Or at the very least,” he added “to replace Brock with somebody who’s less of a scumbag – maybe McAfee would be interested.”
Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash