iPhone Replacement Screen Sales Surging as a Result of Screen Burn-Ins from Panicking Delta Users Refreshing Every 5 Seconds

CUPERTINO, CA - Thousands of reports have recently surfaced regarding iPhone screens across the globe suffering screen burn-ins as a consequence of Delta users relentlessly refreshing to keep up with their plummeting portfolio values. "We haven't seen profits like this since we convinced people to buy adapters for headphones" said a clearly satisfied Luca Maestri, … Continue reading iPhone Replacement Screen Sales Surging as a Result of Screen Burn-Ins from Panicking Delta Users Refreshing Every 5 Seconds

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Ethereum Founder Vitalik Buterin Signs Up For Gym Membership, Re-brands As Vitalik BROterin

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - Wunderkind and Ethereum Founder, Vitalik Buterin, has decidedly re-branded himself as Vitalik BROterin in a recent Tweet following his out of character decision to sign a year-long gym membership. These recent developments have left the Ethereum community in an uproar, demanding an explanation of this questionable decision during such a tremulous time … Continue reading Ethereum Founder Vitalik Buterin Signs Up For Gym Membership, Re-brands As Vitalik BROterin

Letter to the Editor: Help! I Told My High School Bully To Buy Bitcoin Back In December 2017, So Now He’s Going To Beat Me Up And Take My Private Keys

To the Editor, Look, in my defense I told him that I wasn't a financial adviser. Did I say it was a sure thing? Well of course I did, bitcoin was pushing $20,000 fucking dollars! Brandon reached out to me on Facebook last December telling me how guilty he felt about bullying me in school, … Continue reading Letter to the Editor: Help! I Told My High School Bully To Buy Bitcoin Back In December 2017, So Now He’s Going To Beat Me Up And Take My Private Keys